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amismatchThis is an essay-esque discussion for my long-form Wonwoo/Chan fic, and if it’s all a mirage?.
First, I think it’s important to begin with credit: Nikki (twt @ wonchanism), Robin (twt @ bojios), Mimi (twt @ otternim), and Em (twt @ lavenderim). I affectionately dub them the Dinonara Counsel, as they each have a deep love/admiration for Seventeen’s Lee Chan, and I met each of them through my Chan fics. It was Nikki’s prompt that I took for the Summer Wine Chan fic fest, and it was all four of them that I was given further insight into Chan, further thoughts/ideas for what to include in the fic, etc. even if they did not realize it at the time.
When I first picked up the prompt, I had no idea Nikki was the prompt writer. After I learned that she was, indeed, her, I began listening more to what she said and referenced her desires to stem some of the dynamics from. It’s her idea, after all, and I wanted to make sure I gave it justice. It made me more nervous, too; I wanted to create something that she’d genuinely enjoy, not feed me false pleasantries and then move along. She left the pair open, but knowing her love for Wonchan, I decided to make the other member Wonwoo.
The prompt is as written:
I’d initially chosen this prompt as a challenge for myself. It was to help me write a wide variety of sex scenes - all heavily tinged with dom/sub dynamics - so that I could grow as a writer and move out of my predisposed box. It was definitely a challenge. I have not written so much sex in my entire life. I had to take breaks to just not write sex--but, I also got faster at writing the scenes, and it was helpful. I’m glad I challenged myself, and I hope to continue to do so in the future.
Funnily enough, the first draft went through several pair changes before I decided on Wonwoo. It was going to be a Jeongchan (Jeonghan/Chan) at first, and I’d written my outline for Jeonghan to be another, older, more established solo artist in the company that they force Chan to publicly associate with in hopes that it’ll improve his reputation. Then, I made it Soonyoung, and he was going to be a solo artist, too, so similar premise, different personalities. Finally, Wonwoo became the official other person. He was still a manager in the other two ideas, but his purpose was to put more pressure on Chan to keep his face.
Anyway, this prologue is to say that I learned and used ideas from the Dinonara Counsel (with their blessing) and mixed it with my own.
The rest of this so-called essay will be heavy on my own thoughts/ideas; it will be armchair psychoanalyzing the entertainment industry as a whole at times, so be warned. Just because these are my ideas doesn’t mean I want them to be yours.
*
The only appropriate ending is that there is no ending. At least—that’s what I believe. I’d written the final chapter to be that way, because the reality is that nothing is going to radically change in that pressure-cooker environment. It begs the question: would you set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm? For Wonwoo, it was worth it. There are several themes I kept in mind during the creation of this fic:
Trust
Trust is by in large the biggest one. I knew it was something Nikki loved, so when I started my outline I made sure to build the foundation from this idea. To Chan, love is synonymous with trust. The repetition of trust symbolizes both Wonwoo’s awe, fear, and inability to believe how Chan could trust him. Wonwoo has a poor sense of self that dates back to his childhood, and there remains this terrifying realization that someone as difficult to trust others - Chan - has chosen him (and only him) as the sole person he trusts.
Trust also symbolizes love. I trust you means I love you.
Collar
Otter in a collar. It’s an extension of that trust, but also symbolizes the unhealthy coping mechanism that Chan uses to pretend he has control over his own person, when in reality that idea is shaky at best. It is the ultimate illusion.
Control
This ties close to the collar. Both Chan and Wonwoo have no control over their lives. Wonwoo oscillates to the wave of whoever instructs him at the time, and Chan has given his person over to the company. They cope with that in different ways: Chan gives birth to this illusion of control (the collar, the BDSM relationship), as well as controls the things he can: when to emote, how to emote, who to have sex with, his friends he keeps - and loses (which are not the best companions for a young man in the public eye). So, Chan chose… or did he?
Wonwoo, on the other hand, understands that he’s another cog in the wheel, a quote-unquote ‘glorified personal assistant’, and he grapples with control by accepting this BDSM relationship with Chan. Is that something he controls, though, when it’s Chan that chooses and dictates the parameters?
This also gives rise to several moral dilemmas. Wonwoo and Chan’s relationship didn’t begin until Chan was an adult. That doesn’t mean Chan isn’t vulnerable, easy to exploit, and that doesn’t mean his vulnerability wasn’t exploited by someone with a decade more life experience hanging over him, with pre-existing kinks that Chan has never explored before him. Just because Wonwoo appears to have good intentions and is also struggling does not mean it can’t be grooming. Minjun was the first to call that into question near the end of the fic, and my hope was to implant that into the readers’ heads so they turn back the clock and think about the growth of their relationship. Is it grooming?
*
Characters
Albeit they never physically show up in the fic, to me, the most important side-characters are Chan and Wonwoo’s parents. This is because they’ve heavily influenced the growth and thought processes of both of them, and it’s shown via actions/dialogue rather than literally stated. If anyone reading this has been raised by show parents, you may be able to relate to the dilemma Chan faces. Their criticisms become your own, their monologues become your inner monologue, and suddenly you don’t know where your desires begin and where theirs ends. Chan loves performing. Who helped shape and dictate this? Does he hold onto the industry, because it’s what he wants, or is it because he’s grown to want it because his parents do? Does it matter?
Then, Wonwoo. Trying and failing to live up to his parents’ expectations. His inner monologues covering his low sense of self-worth continue to loop back to his parents, his brother, his childhood.
I’m also from a culture(s) that prioritizes family, that believes you must listen to and yield to your elders, so a lot of material stemmed from personal experience. That, and Chan’s struggle with show-parents that seldom if ever give praise or encouragement, just criticism.
On the other hand, Soonyoung was not meant to be the “correct version,” of Wonwoo and how he faces his queerness. Choosing to stay closeted from friends or family is just as justified and ‘correct’ as choosing to give such a personal part of yourself. Soonyoung merely existed as another gay person in a heteronormative industry and was there to provide comfort to Wonwoo, but to also have Wonwoo question his decisions in where he worked, how he navigated the world. Questioned, but remained.
Minjun, too, was there to provide Wonwoo with a broader perspective. He was an old friend, someone similar to him in many ways but went another direction. Wonwoo’s constant conversations with Minjun through most of the fic represented Wonwoo’s having a life outside of being a manager, but also symbolized that Wonwoo had to juggle leisure with work. Phone calls in rented villas, messaging during schedules, in the company van, while waiting for Chan, etc. It reflected a chaotic life that did not slow down despite outside factors. Minjun’s guidance added to the turmoil that Wonwoo faced. He was the moving force for a lot of the plot points that effectively ‘failed’ at the end. Sometimes, people don’t want to change. Especially in an industry that Chan and Wonwoo have lived in for several years, change is frequent yet impossible.
Setting
This fic was another way for me to spread out my horizons and learn something new. In the creation of it, I told myself that I was going to make this 100% S. Korean. S. Korean music, S. Korean literature, S. Korean people, real places in South Korea with their real distances and descriptions. The west would simply not exist--or it’d be there in spirit. To manage this, I did a lot of googling and research (especially when it came to S. Korean literature and poets), and I also asked my friend Mimi questions concerning daily life in South Korea. I have to ask myself: if somebody that wasn’t from my culture(s) wrote about my culture(s), would I want them to put effort into it? The answer is an automatic yes.
That doesn’t mean it’s perfect. There is a high chance I have several inaccuracies (guaranteed, actually), but I want to continue to learn and grow. I strive to do better with each fic. The only ‘fake’ in the fic were some of the radio show names, music show names, and magazine names. Everything else are real brands/hospital systems/etc.
*
Metaphors/Similes
I stuck heavily with metaphors and similes centering around Wonwoo's body, more specifically his bones/lungs/trembling. I think it's partly because anxiety can mimic a lot of diseases/body system disorders, but also because it's a common theme for me amongst my work in general to include parallels to the body. It stems from learning the body for most of my life - being a healthcare graduate student that followed the medical track since I was a 1st year in high school - but also because I've become very aware of my own body and how it reacts to mental distress. My preoccupation with self often touches what I create, sometimes in unproductive ways, sometimes in ways that I manipulate to create a theme, a foundation on which to build. Wonwoo has suffered from panic attacks since he was a kid; if you have had a panic attack before, you know it can feel like you're dying. Your body shutting down on you, your lungs paralyzed, losing balance and proprioception. Since this - and his tremors - are a constant in Wonwoo's life, it only made sense to extend that to spin back around to his body.
*
I have more I want to discuss at another date, but I’m going to hold off for now since I’d been writing all day, haha. Thanks for reading what I’ve written so far, and I hope to hear your ideas/thoughts. I enjoy discussion!
First, I think it’s important to begin with credit: Nikki (twt @ wonchanism), Robin (twt @ bojios), Mimi (twt @ otternim), and Em (twt @ lavenderim). I affectionately dub them the Dinonara Counsel, as they each have a deep love/admiration for Seventeen’s Lee Chan, and I met each of them through my Chan fics. It was Nikki’s prompt that I took for the Summer Wine Chan fic fest, and it was all four of them that I was given further insight into Chan, further thoughts/ideas for what to include in the fic, etc. even if they did not realize it at the time.
When I first picked up the prompt, I had no idea Nikki was the prompt writer. After I learned that she was, indeed, her, I began listening more to what she said and referenced her desires to stem some of the dynamics from. It’s her idea, after all, and I wanted to make sure I gave it justice. It made me more nervous, too; I wanted to create something that she’d genuinely enjoy, not feed me false pleasantries and then move along. She left the pair open, but knowing her love for Wonchan, I decided to make the other member Wonwoo.
The prompt is as written:
Chan feels like everyone in the world wants to claim him. He doesn't always show it, but it weighs on him, this duty to be good for everyone, for the fans, for the media. He just needs one person to belong to, someone who wants him for all of him. And oh, does he want to belong.
I’d initially chosen this prompt as a challenge for myself. It was to help me write a wide variety of sex scenes - all heavily tinged with dom/sub dynamics - so that I could grow as a writer and move out of my predisposed box. It was definitely a challenge. I have not written so much sex in my entire life. I had to take breaks to just not write sex--but, I also got faster at writing the scenes, and it was helpful. I’m glad I challenged myself, and I hope to continue to do so in the future.
Funnily enough, the first draft went through several pair changes before I decided on Wonwoo. It was going to be a Jeongchan (Jeonghan/Chan) at first, and I’d written my outline for Jeonghan to be another, older, more established solo artist in the company that they force Chan to publicly associate with in hopes that it’ll improve his reputation. Then, I made it Soonyoung, and he was going to be a solo artist, too, so similar premise, different personalities. Finally, Wonwoo became the official other person. He was still a manager in the other two ideas, but his purpose was to put more pressure on Chan to keep his face.
Anyway, this prologue is to say that I learned and used ideas from the Dinonara Counsel (with their blessing) and mixed it with my own.
The rest of this so-called essay will be heavy on my own thoughts/ideas; it will be armchair psychoanalyzing the entertainment industry as a whole at times, so be warned. Just because these are my ideas doesn’t mean I want them to be yours.
*
The only appropriate ending is that there is no ending. At least—that’s what I believe. I’d written the final chapter to be that way, because the reality is that nothing is going to radically change in that pressure-cooker environment. It begs the question: would you set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm? For Wonwoo, it was worth it. There are several themes I kept in mind during the creation of this fic:
Trust
Trust is by in large the biggest one. I knew it was something Nikki loved, so when I started my outline I made sure to build the foundation from this idea. To Chan, love is synonymous with trust. The repetition of trust symbolizes both Wonwoo’s awe, fear, and inability to believe how Chan could trust him. Wonwoo has a poor sense of self that dates back to his childhood, and there remains this terrifying realization that someone as difficult to trust others - Chan - has chosen him (and only him) as the sole person he trusts.
Trust also symbolizes love. I trust you means I love you.
Collar
Otter in a collar. It’s an extension of that trust, but also symbolizes the unhealthy coping mechanism that Chan uses to pretend he has control over his own person, when in reality that idea is shaky at best. It is the ultimate illusion.
Control
This ties close to the collar. Both Chan and Wonwoo have no control over their lives. Wonwoo oscillates to the wave of whoever instructs him at the time, and Chan has given his person over to the company. They cope with that in different ways: Chan gives birth to this illusion of control (the collar, the BDSM relationship), as well as controls the things he can: when to emote, how to emote, who to have sex with, his friends he keeps - and loses (which are not the best companions for a young man in the public eye). So, Chan chose… or did he?
Wonwoo, on the other hand, understands that he’s another cog in the wheel, a quote-unquote ‘glorified personal assistant’, and he grapples with control by accepting this BDSM relationship with Chan. Is that something he controls, though, when it’s Chan that chooses and dictates the parameters?
This also gives rise to several moral dilemmas. Wonwoo and Chan’s relationship didn’t begin until Chan was an adult. That doesn’t mean Chan isn’t vulnerable, easy to exploit, and that doesn’t mean his vulnerability wasn’t exploited by someone with a decade more life experience hanging over him, with pre-existing kinks that Chan has never explored before him. Just because Wonwoo appears to have good intentions and is also struggling does not mean it can’t be grooming. Minjun was the first to call that into question near the end of the fic, and my hope was to implant that into the readers’ heads so they turn back the clock and think about the growth of their relationship. Is it grooming?
*
Characters
Albeit they never physically show up in the fic, to me, the most important side-characters are Chan and Wonwoo’s parents. This is because they’ve heavily influenced the growth and thought processes of both of them, and it’s shown via actions/dialogue rather than literally stated. If anyone reading this has been raised by show parents, you may be able to relate to the dilemma Chan faces. Their criticisms become your own, their monologues become your inner monologue, and suddenly you don’t know where your desires begin and where theirs ends. Chan loves performing. Who helped shape and dictate this? Does he hold onto the industry, because it’s what he wants, or is it because he’s grown to want it because his parents do? Does it matter?
Then, Wonwoo. Trying and failing to live up to his parents’ expectations. His inner monologues covering his low sense of self-worth continue to loop back to his parents, his brother, his childhood.
I’m also from a culture(s) that prioritizes family, that believes you must listen to and yield to your elders, so a lot of material stemmed from personal experience. That, and Chan’s struggle with show-parents that seldom if ever give praise or encouragement, just criticism.
On the other hand, Soonyoung was not meant to be the “correct version,” of Wonwoo and how he faces his queerness. Choosing to stay closeted from friends or family is just as justified and ‘correct’ as choosing to give such a personal part of yourself. Soonyoung merely existed as another gay person in a heteronormative industry and was there to provide comfort to Wonwoo, but to also have Wonwoo question his decisions in where he worked, how he navigated the world. Questioned, but remained.
Minjun, too, was there to provide Wonwoo with a broader perspective. He was an old friend, someone similar to him in many ways but went another direction. Wonwoo’s constant conversations with Minjun through most of the fic represented Wonwoo’s having a life outside of being a manager, but also symbolized that Wonwoo had to juggle leisure with work. Phone calls in rented villas, messaging during schedules, in the company van, while waiting for Chan, etc. It reflected a chaotic life that did not slow down despite outside factors. Minjun’s guidance added to the turmoil that Wonwoo faced. He was the moving force for a lot of the plot points that effectively ‘failed’ at the end. Sometimes, people don’t want to change. Especially in an industry that Chan and Wonwoo have lived in for several years, change is frequent yet impossible.
Setting
This fic was another way for me to spread out my horizons and learn something new. In the creation of it, I told myself that I was going to make this 100% S. Korean. S. Korean music, S. Korean literature, S. Korean people, real places in South Korea with their real distances and descriptions. The west would simply not exist--or it’d be there in spirit. To manage this, I did a lot of googling and research (especially when it came to S. Korean literature and poets), and I also asked my friend Mimi questions concerning daily life in South Korea. I have to ask myself: if somebody that wasn’t from my culture(s) wrote about my culture(s), would I want them to put effort into it? The answer is an automatic yes.
That doesn’t mean it’s perfect. There is a high chance I have several inaccuracies (guaranteed, actually), but I want to continue to learn and grow. I strive to do better with each fic. The only ‘fake’ in the fic were some of the radio show names, music show names, and magazine names. Everything else are real brands/hospital systems/etc.
*
Metaphors/Similes
I stuck heavily with metaphors and similes centering around Wonwoo's body, more specifically his bones/lungs/trembling. I think it's partly because anxiety can mimic a lot of diseases/body system disorders, but also because it's a common theme for me amongst my work in general to include parallels to the body. It stems from learning the body for most of my life - being a healthcare graduate student that followed the medical track since I was a 1st year in high school - but also because I've become very aware of my own body and how it reacts to mental distress. My preoccupation with self often touches what I create, sometimes in unproductive ways, sometimes in ways that I manipulate to create a theme, a foundation on which to build. Wonwoo has suffered from panic attacks since he was a kid; if you have had a panic attack before, you know it can feel like you're dying. Your body shutting down on you, your lungs paralyzed, losing balance and proprioception. Since this - and his tremors - are a constant in Wonwoo's life, it only made sense to extend that to spin back around to his body.
*
I have more I want to discuss at another date, but I’m going to hold off for now since I’d been writing all day, haha. Thanks for reading what I’ve written so far, and I hope to hear your ideas/thoughts. I enjoy discussion!
