amismatch | responding to an essay about my fanfiction and 'and if it's all a mirage'

I wanted to take the time to respond to a long essay I received from somebody that read and if it’s all a mirage. They took the time and care to write it, and I have some thoughts that I wanted to type out. This is all opinion-based and I’m not criticizing anyone specifically; we all have different tastes. This is just mine!

A very kind person wrote and sent a document to me via my curious cat detailing their journey with fiction, the fandom, and their thoughts on my fic. It’s a document titled, “Miscalculated Fics Appreciation Essay: Breaking from the Realm of Fanfiction”. With the person’s permission, I am going to screencap each portion of it and respond to them as best I can.

I will screencap the entire essay and add it to the end of this analysis.

It begins as such:

Okay so I read the last chapter of your fic that you published a few hours ago and I had a few thoughts about it. I’m a person with quite strong opinion on fiction as a whole and I didn’t want to simply state what this fic made me feel because I’m afraid my intentions behind them would get misunderstood, but that also led me to write those long ass paragraphs which are not completely centred around the fic but that reflect on fanfiction as a whole, I’m so sorry about that? To be quite honest, I consider you to be in many ways the best svt fic writer out there and this comment (/essay?? I have really too much time on my hands lmao) is my tribune to all of your fics which made me feel certain things I’m not even able to explain and some I’ve attempted to here. So, I’m sorry I guess, and thank you so much

The fic in question is “and if it’s all a mirage.” My previous journal post details my feelings on it (please read the fic before reading it!). The sentence, “I consider you to be in many ways the best svt fic writer out there . . .” already gave me a killing blow and I was reeling. I was reeling seeing four pages detailing somebody’s thoughts on my fiction, but this really floored me.

Lately there are many memes on social media about being perceived/not wanting to be perceived/the idea of being seen as a real human body with a brain and flesh and thoughts, and for most of my life I’ve found myself in this place where I feel like an NPC in a video game. Such as, I view the world around me as if I’m not existing. I watch conversations happen around me, navigate through the world like I don’t have a corporeal form, and am often shocked when I’m noticed at all.

This goes for anything—from real life to my self on social media. If somebody references me, my work, anything, I still get this tiny burst in my chest that says, I’m real? I’m being noticed? Recognized? How?, and no matter how many times I’m referenced, I still go through this.

I think this is why I consider you to be in many ways the best svt fic writer out there . . . gave me such a visceral, physical reaction. Partly because one, this is coming from someone that details their specific/high standards when reading—whether it be published books or fiction on ao3—and that they’ve read my work and came to the conclusion that they found them the best amongst svt writers. I struggle with believing such—I’ve gotten this comment a few times before—because I myself know so many fantastic svt fiction writers that I consider better than myself. To be honest, I haven’t read a lot of svt fiction, but the ones I have read were fantastic.

Not to harp on the intro. Let’s move on.

I used to see BDSM as used in fics and as presented in the media (Fifty Shades of Grey and the whole shebang) as something pretty artificial and as this kind of awkward role play really shaped by our heteronormative societies, where the man would become the dominant and the woman would be the submissive (the opposite rarely portrayed). And not gonna lie, it made me really uncomfortable as a woman to read as I felt that I already struggled so much on so many aspects (whether it be in a work environment, in my studies or even in my friendships with guys) to achieve a sense of empowerment and a feeling of true equity that I didn’t understand woman “yielding” in the bedroom and wanting to be dominated. Later, when I came to read svt fanfics mostly portraying gay relationships, I religiously avoided those with “bdsm” or “daddy” tags, especially for jeongcheol ships which systematically push Jeonghan into this very feminine submissive persona because of his long hair and Cheol as this big dom daddy because he is more muscular (I vomited a bit in my mouth every time BDSM sexy times came up unannounced because of how poorly they were written, truly).

I can relate to this paragraph in some ways. I, too, have read a good portion of BDSM (amongst online fiction) that felt… reductionist? Let me explain. Often times, I’ve noticed that bedroom dynamics and real-world personality tie too close together in some fiction; the sub in the BDSM relationship would navigate the world still behaving demure/soft/submissive, and vice versa with the dom. While I understand there are readers that don’t mind/may enjoy that, I myself don’t enjoy when I can read characters in a non-sexual situation and already guess who is going to assume what role in the bed. Real people, I find, are more complex than that and don’t carry the same personality around that they do when having sex.

I think this correlates to how people that are coded as women in our culture are seen as ‘submissive’ and must ‘yield’ to those that are coded as men, and how books with BDSM containing heterosexual relationships mirror that exact dynamic/expectation. This is one reason why I dislike reading fiction where the person with the submissive personality is submissive in bed, and the person with the dominant personality is dominant in bed.

Furthermore, I haven’t read a lot of Jicheol, but I have heard from friends that it is common for Jeonghan—whom many code as feminine due to his appearance alone—to be the submissive in the relationship while Seungcheol—whom many code as masculine due to his appearance alone—code him as dominant.

All of this ramble to actually say that I had HUGE RESERVATIONS upon stumbling on your fic ( I regularly browse the Wonchan tag lmao but I later found out that I had already read the Jihoon/Chan fic with the unbelievable sexual tension which I found myself thinking about more times in a day than I would confidently admit). These reservations were made even worse as I read the summary and realised the massive age/power imbalance between the two characters, something else that makes me super uncomfortable in fics usually because of how poorly they are handled tbh. However, what made me stay is the dedication put in this fic whether it be the researches on the industry, the disillusioned look that you cast on the latter, how well the story is paced, how different intertextual material (drama channel articles, interviews...) are inputted in the story and most importantly the incredible and thoughtful characterisation.

This is very fair. Going into the creation of this fiction, I understood that the very skewed power dynamics that it contains would make readers apprehensive. There is a lot of moral ambiguity in how Wonwoo 1) is a decade older, 2) is Chan’s manager, 3) met Chan when Chan was a kid, and 3) Chan is in a vulnerable position where he has no one he can trust nor fully rely on, therefore anyone that is better than the norm he’d gravitate towards. I knew I was teetering a precarious balance where I wanted to show that, yes, this is not the best foundation to begin a relationship, and, yes, as pure as Wonwoo’s intentions may be and despite the fact that the relationship began only when Chan was an adult, he can still be seen as a creep/predator.

Therefore, I’m very thankful and honored that anyone who comes into this fiction with reservations still read and enjoyed it. That is a big feat to me. When people have preconceived notions, we tend to subconsciously perform confirmation bias and find reasons to dislike something. That is why me beating this hurdle is so worthwhile. I love to break expectations. That is another goal of mine when creating fiction where the characters aren’t perfect and the plot isn’t fluffy.

. . . the disillusioned look that you cast on the latter . . . Funnily enough, my CC name is disillusioned and a pseudo of mine is disillusioned on ao3. I came into this community with that in mind—disillusionment.

. . . how different intertextual material . . . are inputted in the story . . . This was a favorite part of mine. I studied up by reading netizen comments, reading articles, etc. to get a feel. I’ve been reading them for some time since I’ve been into kpop since I was 9 years old, but I wanted to make it as believable as I could.

When I arrived at the BDSM scenes I still felt uncomfortable, ngl but it didn’t feel accessory, it felt necessary for the plot and for the reader to better understand those people and the depth of their minds.

Again—totally fair. In fact, I’m glad you let me know that you carried the discomfort during the scenes; not many people would be that honest. And, I repeat, it feels like a huge feat to beat out your discomfort and hear that you enjoyed it so much despite that.

I, too, highly dislike the way Chan had been treated in fics (recently that is changing, and I’m glad for it). Even to this day, I see people calling a twenty-one year old man a kid. I’m not too far from 21 years old, so I put myself in his shoes: would I want to be infantilized constantly? The answer is no. Lee Chan is an adult man. Please see and respect him as such. I could go deeper into why I find it rooted in am more insidious layer of racism, but I won’t go there in this journal.

And, hey, a mention of Rockstar Chan!! That is my baby. I wanted to present Chan in a light that is bold, strong, sexual—a Lee Chan that I would like to see more of. I always tell myself, if you want something done do it yourself. That idea gave birth to heartthrob Chan in my long-form jigyu, and then carried on to Chan having his one fic in that universe.

However, what I found brilliant in this chapter is Chan’s reaction to Wonwoo leaving his job and by extension him and to all of the expectations and plans he has made on their potential future as a couple, something he had been extremely anxious over for weeks.

“It’s all fantasy, though, because I know I’m never gonna quit. The day they blacklist me is the day I’ll quit,” Chan continues, fingertips scraping over Wonwoo’s bare bicep. Wonwoo sniffles. “I think... this is what I’m born to do. That’s what makes it different,” Chan looks down at Wonwoo’s head, “You’re not born to be a manager my whole life. You’re hands-down the smartest guy I know. You have two degrees from Hanyang University, you love to write and read, you’re well-spoken. You’re not meant to be stuck here with me.”

“I want to be stuck here with you,” Wonwoo croaks. His throat is scratchy and on fire, thick with phlegm. “I don’t want to leave you.”

Chan’s sad laugh chatters Wonwoo’s teeth, clenches his heart and soul. “You’re not leaving me. I know I always have you.” He nuzzles his nose into the hair at the crown of Wonwoo’shead,whispering,“Y ouwereabigpartofthebestyearsofmylife.Thankyou.”

This is where an entire reversal happens for me. Chan, the youngest one of the two is the one that is the most realistic and who understood their relationship the most, but also cherished it for what was: something that is bound not to last. (this passage made me feel very very strong things, I absolutely love the words here, simple yet I think I’ll remember them for a while).

I’m glad you noticed and mentioned this. We’re stuck in Wonwoo’s POV—a slave to his emotions—so Wonwoo regarding himself as the one that has to help Chan, the one that has to keep his own emotions to himself to be what Chan needs, etc. becomes such a huge focus of the fic. But, in reality, Chan cares for and wants to take care of Wonwoo just as much. Chan has always seen them as two lovers taking care of one another, not just Wonwoo giving giving giving and Chan taking.

Chan is passionate. Real Chan is so dedicated to his craft—a born performer—and I wanted to maintain that passion in this work. This is why I found it important for Chan to tell Wonwoo that while this is what he was born to do, Wonwoo absolutely was not born to be a glorified personal assistant. They both have their own passions. Chan is chasing his. He wants Wonwoo to chase his own, too.

Another strong point of the story I find, is the relationship that Wonwoo entertains with his various friends which are both idealised mirror images of him, whether it be Minjun (both of them bisexual, awkward kids growing up in the same school yet Minjun is the one with a wife and kids while Wonwoo is working a taxing job, and single from an external point of view) who acts as this moralising figure or Soonyoung who acts on the other hand as the gay ideal that Wonwoo aspires so hard to (Soonyoung being out in a gay relationship, retired from the industry). The parallel between those two characters and the imagery behind them is incredibly well written, I adore how they act as reflections of one another (I portray them a bit as those inverted figures you find on card games) and as representations of the paths Wonwoo feels pressured to take or aspires to.

(I almost felt like Minjun wasn’t real at some point and for some reason I was bracing myself during the whole chapter for the reveal that he is a creation of Wonwoo’ mind LMAO)

Oh, I really love this analysis! This made me grin on every read. I actually didn’t want readers to interpret Soonyoung as the “ideal gay person,” because in actuality, you are not wrong for choosing to remain closeted. It is a means of protection, and your sexuality is a piece of yourself that people don’t deserve to know. Soonyoung is simply another version of being a gay man in South Korea—and Minjun, whom has also chosen to stay closeted, is yet another version. I don’t like to say ‘hiding’ because to hide brings a connotation that I don’t enjoy; but Wonwoo briefly thinking about how Minjun’s relationship must be with his wife when he’s chosen not to relay his sexuality to her was meant to simply make the reader think. Does a spouse deserve to know this piece of you? In the end, does it matter?

And—Soonyoung. Is he ‘brave’ for telling Wonwoo (a near stranger at the time) about his sexuality? Is he reckless? Or neither? I think that’s up for every gay person to decide for themselves. I, a queer person creating queer fiction, have my own personal reservations about the idea of ‘coming out’ that is catered to myself. I refuse to cast judgement on other people and their life decisions that don’t influence mine.

I died laughing at that final sentence, by the way. It would be hilarious if Minjun was a figment of his imagination.

Anyway, that’s all to say that I absolutely adored your analysis of Soonyoung and Minjun being reflections of one another, and all different twists/representations that Wonwoo feels pressured to aspire to.

The parents are also amazingly handled, with them never appearing as characters but still having such an overwhelming reach and dominance on both characters that they feel much more present than they really are.

Yes! I’m so glad to see this mention about the parents having such a big influence despite not being physically present in the fiction. This is another key part of mirage that I hoped readers saw—parents, especially in a collectivist culture (a culture that I was also raised in) play a huge part in the development of their kids. Both Chan and Wonwoo’s thoughts, decisions, and sense of self stem from their relationship with their parents, and it’s expressed in different ways. Wonwoo’s self-esteem is directly tied to how his family sees him. Chan’s, too, and the way he yields to his father, chasing his approval.

Actually, Chan’s father was brought to be by my own. I was a classical pianist for 10 years and having a show parent influences you in ways you don’t even realize. It took therapy and lots of self-reflection for me to truly see it.

I also used to see fanfiction as a great entertainment source (and great porn resource to be completely honest) but nevertheless as a deeply limited one. What I find though with fanfiction is that every single one of us has developed a different vision or understanding of svt’s members’ persona that they showcase in interviews, in vlog content or even Going Seventeen, depending on our level of involvement in the fandom and on which/how much of this content we have consumed. As a consequence, when authors write these people, whose personality and actions we have encapsulated in the prism of our own feelings and experiences, we can’t help but compare them to what WE think they would do or react like. In simpler words, I think everyone who reads fan fiction has experienced the feeling of being in the middle of a story and then suddenly one of the characters acts in a certain way and you feel this strange feeling of dissociation and can’t help but think “hm, that’s quite not right”. As a consequence, it is the same as when you read a story where the character does something illogical or contrary to the rules of the lore which have been set out by the author, you are being reminded that ultimately what you are reading isn’t real and a mere work of fiction and you’re pulled away from it. Anyway this is once again a long ass paragraph, but the other issue I usually find in fanfiction is that because we idealise these people and tend to want to see the better side of them, we are reluctant to attribute them flaws and make them human really. Thus, most of the content that we tend to find on ao3 tends to be this romantic ideal of what relationships are (don’t get me started on the soulmate trope which allows everyone to just bypass any kind of relationship building/character development because of “fAtE” am I right?).

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, and you putting it in words and sending it to me really throttled me a bit. You are… I agree. I really, really agree. The way we personally interpret these idols we tend to seek in fiction, whether as writers, readers, or both. I have my own personal interpretations of Seventeen that I seek out. I think joining a social media platform where I’m exposed to everybody else’s opinions on the idols has been both a good and really awful thing for me.

I felt more ‘free’ in the beginning of writing Seventeen fic, because I was not being inundated with other opinions on Jihoon, Mingyu, etc. etc. Then, as I made friendships and followed other fiction writers, I began to get into this sticky situation where I’m thinking, no, I don’t agree with that… but I can’t convey this without it seeming like I think I have a better handle on these idols that none of us even know intimately. And then with people politely disagreeing with my own interpretations when I’m thinking, I actually think my idea is correct, but thanks! It gets volatile for me, at times. So, when I’m writing I like to stay away from others and their opinions, unless I’m writing something that is catered to a friend.

Mirage has a lot of my own biases about Chan and Wonwoo—but I also used a lot of Nikki’s (the person that I wrote it for) feelings, thoughts, and ideas. Even more so, a lot of our thoughts on them overlap! There’s some deviation, but there was enough overlap that I didn’t feel like I was writing personalities that I didn’t agree with. I enjoy Nikki’s ideas and am thankful to be able to read and study her. She’s inquisitive and we are often on the same wavelength.

Not to be a Nikki Simp.

Anyway. I read a few tweets from a writer I admire and their friend (an NCT writer). Their friend mentioned that fiction won’t be able to parallel published books very well, because a lot of fiction doesn’t try to convince you WHY these characters should be together like books do. Like, as readers, we’re not given tangible reasons; we’re just told, “Oh, yeah, the pair is X/X and that’s that,” essentially. And, that really made me think.

It’s true, in the case of a lot of online fiction I’ve read. I won’t be given a reason why these two people gravitate towards or belong together—they just do, because the author wants them to. And, that’s fine! I’m totally fine with fiction not paralleling books, otherwise I’d be reading books and not fiction. I do, though, very much enjoy when I’m given a backstory. Growth. Reasons. That’s what you made me think about when you mention, Thus, most of the content we tend to find on ao3 tends to be this romantic ideal of what relationships are (don’t get me started on the soulmate trope which allows everyone to just bypass any kind of relationship/character development because of ”fAte” am I right?)

Don’t get me wrong, I have sappy moods and want to read a soulmate AU where I don’t have to think critically. But, I also very much enjoy soulmate AU trope inversions where there is character growth and relationship development.

And then I read your fic with Jihoon and Mingyu and I remember feeling a bit shell shocked when each of them didn’t quite behave like saints (Mingyu cheating, exhibitionism to cite a few lmao), and I felt a bit of the same thing when Wonwoo was showed as this 30 years old nerd with a porn addiction. You may remember the comment saying under that chapter that they would pay to read this and well that was me lol, but I didn’t really explain why so I’m doing it here. Even though it was triggered by such a trivial element, I felt as if your story went beyond that closed realm of fanfiction and was able to really stand as a work on its own really.

Wonwoo as a nerd with a porn addiction aha. Yeah, I wanted him to be “flawed” in many ways. It makes for good fiction (to me, when I’m reading fiction).

. . . I felt as if your story went beyond that closed realm of fan fiction and was able to really stand as a work on its own really. This really gave me the final punch. It is a joy to hear that. I’m so thankful. Thank you.

So, uhm, I’m really grateful if you made it until there and were able to comply with all of my opinionated bullshit/ramble in my second language (if some sentences are not really making sense that’s why lol)? I’m thankful for all of the stories you have written (I have cried reading several, especially the Jihoon/Mingyu one where svt has a retreat and the one where they are exes and Jihoon lives alone in his parents’ house in Busan (that one is pure devastation and sadness), but also felt pure anger and wished for Jihoon and Mingyu NOT to end up together in the exhibitionist story (that’s probably not what the name of the fic is I’m sorry lol) but I’ve also loved many of the characters you’ve built for what they are: human and flawed).

. . . but I’ve also loved many of the characters you’ve built for what they are: human and flawed). That is all I’ve wanted to do. Make flawed, human characters. Disillusioned, struggling, but people nonetheless.

Thank you.

The essay in its entirety:

It is only later upon discovering what polyamory was actually, and wanting to search more on the topic that I came upon youtube channels and other informative content which also discussed BDSM that I was able to dive a bit more in what the latter truly is. It’s something maybe a bit stupid to realise only now as a young adult, but that’s when I finally realised that gender was not the defining factor in dom/sub roles, that people could be switch, and that statistically the rich bachelors tropes used in erotica literature were actually much more likely to be subs in real life!

The Chan and Wonwoo of your story are in situations and points where they do NEED those opportunities to feel that they have grasp upon their lives, whether it be Chan

😊

who has grown up being used to building his self-esteem through the eyes of others (his fans, his labelmates, his superiors) or the success of his career or his concepts, but also for Wonwoo who struggles with anxiety and being a source of disappointment towards his parents. When I arrived at the BDSM scenes I still felt uncomfortable, ngl but it didn’t feel accessory, it felt necessary for the plot and for the reader to better understand those people and the depth of their minds.

On another very angry note, what I absolutely despise in this fandom as someone who biases Chan is how disregarded and disrespected the amount of talent this man has whether it be in direct manners like derogatory remarks on Twitter but what I find to be even more problematic, as it is not always intended to harm, is the subconscious tendency of certain authors in ao3 to leave him out of ships or still treating him as a fucking kid or making him the kid of other ships (like wtf is wrong with you people, why isn’t Chan allowed to have significant others or being pursued romantically ? and that points out to the fact that for them Chan is not attractive and thus no one else would find him loveable if I really need to spell that out for people to stop doing this shit). On the other hand, that is something I have never felt once in your fics (I almost built a shrine for your Rockstar Chan fic) and that is something particularly apparent in Chapter 6. As most of the story is written from Wonwoo’s point of view, we mostly get his perception of Chan’s personality, which is extremely biased (I’m such a sucker for a good unreliable narrator point of view) and more specifically very admirative. In the chapter 6 it is also where Wonwoo is finally confronted during his discussion with Minjun (who has kids) that his behaviour could be seen as extremely predatory and abusive due to the fact that they met when he was underage and were in such proximity for such a long time. However, what I found brilliant in this chapter is Chan’s reaction to Wonwoo leaving his job and by extension him and to all of the expectations and plans he has made on their potential future as a couple, something he had been extremely anxious over for weeks.

“I want to be stuck here with you,” Wonwoo croaks. His throat is scratchy and on fire, thick with phlegm. “I don’t want to leave you.”

(I almost felt like Minjun wasn’t real at some point and for some reason I was bracing myself during the whole chapter for the reveal that he is a creation of Wonwoo’ mind LMAO)

alice

responding to an essay about my fanfiction and 'and if it's all a mirage'

responding to an essay about my fanfiction and 'and if it's all a mirage'

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